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As long as I can remember, my life, my family, my love has been based on performance. Performance based on expectations of others. I am a child of sexual, mental and physical abuse. At the early age of six, I was being molested by a family member, (not direct family , but through marriage.) This might not be an excuse, but this taught me all the wrong things about love. This began a long life of countless one night stands, years of drug addiction, wandering the streets at night alone and several abusive relationships. All because I just wanted somebody to love me for me. My birth father loved me, but little did I know due to my own dysfunction, he was suffering the same approval as I was. He was an alcoholic. I didn’t see it, he loved me for me, then when I was 25 he died taking the only unconditional love I had ever know with him. My drug addiction went into a deep almost suicidal depth as well as my need to be loved. I thought I had to perform to get loved. I was constantly seeking approval to the point that at 21 years of age I gave my firstborn son to my mother, she would have to love me then right. Well that didn’t turn out to well. By all rights, I should be dead. Between the drugs, being raped as a 13 year old on my way home from school, wandering the streets late at night and hitch hiking, I should be dead. God has a plan. I was so used to being abused that I grew up and the first permanent relationship I sought was incredibly abusive, it was my whole childhood rolled up into one bad relationship. I was raped, kicked, beaten, burned and broken, physically and mentally, by one man. But God used this to give me a daughter and until the abuse spilled on to her, I stayed. I left the relationship to save her life. Ironically enough, she was killed in a tragic accident, but that precious little girl saved My life. She gave me something I never had before. She loved me for who I was, without no external influences, just her mother, as broken as I was, her sweet smile gave me life. Her life taught me how valuable my life was. I sought healing for my addictions, abusive relationships and received my high school diploma that I could be a better mother to her. I received my diploma 12 days after her death. In her 3 years of life, she showed me how to live, or rather how not to live. However, I still did not know how not to try to seek approval and love. After all, the one who loved me greatest was gone. I did not know God through any of this. I did find him before my daughter died, and it took ten years for me to realize that he put her here for me, so that I could live. That little angel taught me so much. I ended up having a miscarriage after that happened and I was so angry with God that I did not know what to do with my self. Then I got pregnant again with yet another Angel. God blessed me again. Losing my first daughter taught me not to take this life for granted and to really appreciate my child. After all you never know how long they are going to be with you. Through my life and my children and a lot of prayer, I have found a new love in Jesus Christ. Isaiah 43: 1…Do not be afraid for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name; you are mine.
I am probably still seeking approval not because I need to, but because old habits are hard to break. I am loved. After all, I am His, He has called be by name. He loves me, just as I am.
Ever wondered why the world is such a mess. Well I have. I have also wondered what would happen if it were better. The perfect world. I don’t know how to begin to describe what a perfect world would be. A world without hunger, pain, suffering. A world of peace and no war. Does it ever feel like the people that behave the worst, have charmed lives. I used to think the bad guys had it made. I don’t know what changed my mind, I just no longer believe that. This world is full of poverty and angry people. Well what would it be like of it was all full of peace and happiness. I don’t know if that would be possible, but would I really want it. Our lives are full of challenges, difficulties and pain. They are also filled with puppies, laughter and children. I realize that life on earth sometimes stinks, but if it didn’t, then we would have no need to be rescued. God rescues the suffering. Through my trials, I have been rescued. I am currently being rescued, it is just taking longer than I would like. If everything were always perfect, what would we compare our life to. If it was always good, what would we have to look forward to? We have been given a choice by God to be with him or against him. Oddly enough I see people choose not to be with him because they don’t believe that God would create such a terrible place. But what would we really do without him. What would happen if we never saw miracles. Everybody has seen them, people just call them different thing. If you are a believer they are miracles and to some non believers, they believe in miracles but not God. Others just think there are really good coincidences. Even Job knew God would rescue him. David was witness to God delivering him from his anguish. We also tend to blame bad things on God. I know I have. But bad things happen. Sin has entered the world. Sin causes bad things to happen. People sin and do bad things. Gravity exist, and people fall down and get hurt, cars wreck, lightning strikes. In my grief I wish I would have trusted God to deliver me a lot sooner than He actually did. (I take complete accountability as I did not trust.) I choose to believe that he will always be there to deliver me. I need to have something to look forward to in life, and if it means living through circumstances that are unbecoming to me, than so be it. He will see me on the other side of my mess and be a shining light. I guess you could say I am grateful that the world isn’t perfect. To God be the Glory.
I have lost my joy, I do not know when I lost it, where I lost it or how I lost it, but it is gone, I can not find it. I was asked last week if I could wake up tomorrow and my joy was back, what would it feel like. Seriously, I can not answer that. I came up with maybe people would want to hang out with me more, maybe I would have more physical energy, maybe I wouldn’t be so negative all the time. But truth is it has been gone for so long, I don’t know what it would FEEL like. I went into a deep state of depression 18 months ago that I am still trying to recover from, but I can tell you that this has been going on for many, many years. I realize why I did drugs for so many years, because it voided the absence of joy. This is why I have forgotten what it feels like, it has been many, many years. Well the reason I am stating this is because I have come to the realization that as a result of this, I am poopy, and nobody wants to hang out with a poopy person. Again, I don’t feel sorry for myself. I want to fix this issue. The more isolated I am, the worse I get, the worse I get the more isolated I become. I am tired of chasing my tail on this one. If any of you have friends that seem to have theses symptoms, continue to be there friend, do not shut them out because they bring you down constantly. I can tell you from my own experience they probably can not help being negative. You think you are doing them a favor maybe, by leaving them to themselves, but it hurts to know that your friends don’t choose to stand by you because your miserable all the time, but the more those actions, or reactions are present, the worse the depression gets, because we can’t help it. We need you to love us through it. Even David the Psalmist, Psalm 31 discusses his anguish and states that those that see him in the streets run from him. Depression is real and painful. It apparently takes a lot of time for God to pull us through this. God does not throw us to the enemy, but this disease causes them. When you hurt like this it is very hard to be a friend to another person, because you shut down. It isn’t about being self centered. When your crippled you are limited, depression cripples the ability to be fun, joyful, happy, funny, loving and thoughtful. It hurts me more to know that people don’t want to be around me because they either don’t know how to deal with me or just think I bring them down. Well I apologize if I bring you down. It hurts me more to know that people are doing this to other people, for the same reason. I want my joy back that has been robbed of me for many years and I need you, friends/acquaintances’s to help pull me through and not push me away. Remember this with all the other people that are suffering this horrible and debilitating disease. I know I am not alone in this disease. Love each other. Peace out.
I have been thinking long and hard about this one. There are so many of us who think we are above the reproach. We point fingers at others, while doing exactly what we are finger pointing others for. We teach, we preach, we give advise. We think we are right, maybe we are, maybe we aren’t. Are we really merited to do this. Like the preacher, who pushes people out of the pew, because in his opinion, his church people aren’t changing the way they should, or growing the way he thinks they should grow, (could his judgment be clouded by himself not growing). Or the teacher that condemns a student for failing, because they think that student is just a screw up, (could her judgment be clouded by herself not teaching correctly) . Or a parent that looks down on and or abuses their child because they aren’t doing what is expected of them (could their judgment be clouded because they themselves were looked down upon or abused). What gives us the right to do this to other people? Do we know to what rate a Christian is growing. As a pastor or another Christian, do we know what is in a persons heart, truly? I believe only God truly knows our heart and he always knows where we are at with him. As a teacher, do we know what that student who is failing and screwing up is going through at home or in school, are they listening. Do we know our kids? Oh, I know we like to think we do, but reality check, our kids DO NOT tell us everything they are doing and going through. IS ANYBODY REALLY LISTENING Fact is, we do not know how to put ourselves in anybody’s shoes. We might be able to relate to an experience of another, but we can not share their true pain. We don’t know what it is. We don’t know what keeps people from not trusting God, or pushing themselves in schools or what makes our children withdraw from us. We don’t know how much what somebody is going through is going to affect them. We are all wired differently, we all move in life in different ways. We don’t have the right to minimize anybody’s pain. It all hurts. It all causes us to react differently. Pain is just that, Pain. Sometimes our pain, causes us to hurt others, look at the people that physically abuse or murder others because of what they have been through. (Not condoning here at all.) Look at the people that shut down and commit suicide because they hurt so bad they can not deal with anything else. (Not condoning this either, even though I can relate to this kind of pain. Shouldn’t we as pastors, teachers, parents or neighbors want better for our sheep, students, children or neighbors than to shut them out. Do any of the people that do criticize us for not growing, learning or just being a better kid really have the right to judge and/or condemn others. Are they really any better. What are their secrets, what makes them so above the reproach that they can allow themselves to shame us?
Now that I got all the important stuff out of the way, I want you to know I judge you. I don’t mean to, I don’t want to, I don’t know how not to, I just can’t help myself. You see, in my world of pain and hurt, if I judge you, rip you apart and figure out why I can’t stand you, then I don’t have to like you. If I don’t like you, I won’t get close. If I don’t get close, I don’t get hurt. It is a heck of a way to live. All of this comes from not being able to trust, Anybody. Yeah, yeah, I know it is the old cliche′, poor me, I have been hurt so much that I can’t trust anybody, but unfortunately, this is true. No not poor me, I do not want sympathy, I want healing. Healing from a lifetime of pain, abuse, anger, and loss. some of prior was self inflicted, some of it was not. It’s not my fault, it’s not my fault. Well really, it’s not. What is my fault, problem or issue, is that I continue to live with this baggage. I am choosing to allow my past to push around my present. It is ridiculous, I know. I have plenty of persons to blame for my past, but I can only blame me for my current issues. This is what is causing me to be judgmental, and therefore, well basically friendless, because I choose to not let you in. I wil tell you all about me and listen to all about you, but I can’t be your friend, or love you. I can just pretend that I want a relationship with you, (I really do,) but I suck so bad at being a true friend that it is not possible for me to be yours. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I believe you are going to hurt me, just like all those people and situations in my past have. So as I try to move forward in my life, I will Try to be a friend, your friend. I will Try to stop judging you and riping you apart, giving me a reason to keep you away. So my request to society and all who are currently in and will be in my path, please be patient with me. I am still growing and asking God to grow my heart so I can learn to love you and life. So the adventure begins.
Hello, My name is Laura. I was born September 20, 1959 in Fort Lauderdale, FL. I have three older siblings, all sisters. I was born with a hair lip and a cleft palate and I had to have three operations within the first three year of my life. As hair lips go, my surgery looks a lot better than some, but I was labeled at birth by God. He was there I just didn’t know it yet.
This blog is going to be about my opinion of different things. I am not recording facts and if I am they will not be researched, so, I do not want any corrections to my statements, as it is just my opinion on any given day on any given topic I decide to write on. Some of these “opinions” will be due to life experience and some just random thoughts. If anything I write helps anybody, fantastic, if not, oh well. I hope you enjoy this. Oh, and since I do have the right to free speech you will occasionally see statements about my God in this blog. If this is offensive, then don’t comment, just don’t read.
